When I wear a kippah, I show the world that I believe and remind myself that I fear God. This week's Torah portion contains two completely different fears of God.

The parasha opens with the words "And the Lord appeared to him by the oaks of Mamre…' from the word ra’ya (seeing). And Abraham sees and acts "He lifted up his eyes to him and saw…and he saw and ran…" Scripture accustoms us to interpret the root y.r.a. as a sensory experience of sight about twelve times in the parasha. But when Sarah laughs in disbelief at the angels" message, and then denies it, she says "I did not laugh, for I feared…" The internal contradiction in the sentence is blatant because we know that Sarah laughed and the denial contradicts the declaration of fear of God. A person who fears God would not declare a lie before the angels of God.

But what does fear (Yira) mean? In modern Hebrew, it means fear. Is a believer a person a person who fears God? We have all experienced leaders, commanders, and administrators who used fear to establish their control. If I fear the leader or respect him, in many cases my behavior towards the leader is similar, at least according to external signs. In the case of Sodom and Gomorrah, there is good reason for fear. The cities were destroyed and their inhabitants died because "their sin was great and very heavy." But besides fear, the chapter goes into depth by presenting two types of faith: faith based on benefit and fear of God that does not depend on anything.

In the Bible, a God-fearing person is a person of faith. The story of Vayyar presents us with two types of faith (fear of God). When Abraham arrives in Gerar, he does not present Sarah as his wife, but as his sister. Abraham explains to Abimelech, the king of Gerar, that "there is no fear of God in this place." According to the explanation to Abimelech, fear of God is a social system that enables control, prevention of suffering, and joint effort for the common good. The fear of God is a human means of establishing government, correcting the world, and improving the fate of man. In the extreme case, God is needed to create fear and awe, a fear of punishment for the benefit of social order.

In contrast, after Abraham passed the test of aqeedah, we read, "Now I know that you fear God." This is a different faith because such faith is of no benefit to a person, neither as an individual nor as a society. Moreover, faith breaks promises (I will multiply your seed), breaks social conventions (human sacrifice), and is contrary to human nature (loving our child). Abraham, the father of his son, as a spouse, as part of a human society, completely failed the test of aqeedah, and thus passed the test of faith and fear of God. We saw a few verses ago Abraham's ability to argue with God, to answer Him, to bargain with Him about the number of righteous people needed to save Sodom and Gomorrah (he reduced God's price from fifty to ten). But in the test of aqeedah, Abraham's devotion indicates a faith that is not based on fear and is of no benefit to the individual or society.

As a Jew, I wear a kippah (yarmulke, fear of the kingdom in Yiddish), as an external sign of fear of God and a reminder to myself. I move in the range between the fear of Elimelech and the fear of Abraham. I oppose with every fiber of my being the religious establishment's use of faith and fear of God for social exploitation, but I want to pray together with my people. I strive to reach a pure faith like Abraham's, but I am happy that I will never succeed. To me, such a faith is a very lonely place ("here I am") and devoid of morality. I live in the tension between fear-based faith and pure faith. As my late grandfather, David Stockfish, said with a half-smile, "It is not easy to be a Jew.".